Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Our lovelies lunch, the red glass and Christmas name place a keep sake to such beautiful friends x

Dr Cavanoughs ( flowers were ordered out of the room!!)

Unexpected Visit!

Arrived Monday for my 3 round of chemo admittedly not feeling the best and a bit feverish. The poor nurse got a fright as my temp was 38.9 far to high, next minute I'm booked in for the next three days,an antibiotic drip attached and alls good! My white blood count was so low I have nothing to fight any infections off. I wasn't happy to be here this long as I don't feel that unwell and I miss being around the family,sitting looking at my candles and Christmas tree lights in the evening. Plus with so many little and big things I suppose being taken away from me ( driving being one I'm sad about,love my mini!) I really enjoy small amounts of good food, especially David's evening meals, now I'm back at school having luke warm average food.
Anyway I'm in the best place to get better,and after a chat to the oncologist I should be home tomorrow night,then on my birthday morning the family can go for breakfast.
Emotionally it's been a difficult time especially being confronted with the Palliative care room and meeting the team! However the advantages of having a large room, sofa bed, and fridge are swaying me! Counsellors have popped in today and the Chaplain, but it appears my head is on the right way, and I'm fully aware if I felt the need I wouldn't have a problem asking for help,for me or the family.
Thank you to everyone for their support, I was asked today what is giving me the strength and courage and for me it's all of you out there! So my thoughts especially this time are year are with you,enjoy Christams your families and New Year,and I look forward to catching up in 2012 ......

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Peace at Christmas time


Second round of chemo today,then managed another 3hr Christmas shopping trip, today was hard in the chemo ward for Karyn and I, the whole reality of me just not being here this time next year is hitting us all at times more now than before. I suppose its about what this time of year represents. I'm aware that this chemo and I are in our own little battle at the moment as it will take a few more weeks to see if it's doing anything,but in the process I will be going a little more down hill,before what we hope is a small pick up point. I think that's why I'm aware of doing the 'normal' things I still want to do,and not let this consume my everyday.
The double vision has got worse which no one can explain,this is such a shame as now the eye patch just has to stay on all the time.
I am so grateful and at peace however,as I haven't had my head down the toilet and apart from the pain in my very swollen stomach I'm ok. I've been able to have two beautiful get togethers,yesterday the lovelies went to Karyns house where we had a lunch,laughed and cried,and I gave them all a very stunning red crystal glass to keep.
So you see I'm so happy to have got myself to this point and time in my life that I am surrounded by the most wonderful family and friends,i can relax and enjoy being
with,I'm almost feeling guilty of having it all! Ok so the health thing will be the undoing of me,but why think and live in the bad when right now it's looking pretty good,I do believe the planner in me has left the building and I'm left with the one day at a time theory,and you know what im liking it!
Enjoy the build up,talk soon .........

Tuesday, 6 December 2011


It's all a bit hard to take in that I'm back on that chemo ward every Monday. I am pleased to say that I'm on day 3 and I'm not too bad at all, I have a lot of swelling in my stomach that is very painful,but they have me on new pain killers that seem to help. The nausea is hardly there which makes such a difference to my mood,I'm just a bit spaced out with all the drugs,which although I don't like the feeling of floating it's far better than the other options. If I don't make sense in these blogs you know why!
Yesterday David put up the tree,and I just sat and watched,it should be a happy time and it was although I can't help but think is this my last one. I believe emotions run high for many of us this time of year,so I'm not alone,it's just all so sad sometimes.Last weekend I felt well enough to go shopping to pick up some things for the boys I have been collecting over the past 3 years,yet again this is so hard to do but I'm so glad I started when I did,as it's all too much when you are feeling terrible.
I haven't much to say really,other than enjoy the build up to Christmas,due to my double vision I find the shopping centers all too much,and that in itself is so not me! It's so lovely to have great family and friends around who needs presents too!
Chat soon........

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Quick Update


Wow it's December, it's a little difficult to get me in the Christmas spirit at the moment,however the good news is I may have found an anti nausea drug that actually works,early days but the nausea yesterday was halved,so here's hoping it lasts.
I am starting chemo on Monday, weekly for not sure how long!I didn't ask! My markers have shit up to 790 that is the highest they have ever been,so it's time to just get on with it, I'm trying to think if I come out the other side if the treatment I may feel a little better and get a ok maybe short but my good bit I am so desperate to have.
So feelings about this one now are let's just get the shitty stuff pumped in and be done with it! I have jumped another few stepping stones in the pond but still can't see where they stop yet! Thank you always for the love and support I have around me,it would be a lonely journey without it.
Fingers cross the nausea dies away a little as I just hate it!

Enjoy the lovely days talk from the chemo ward...........

Monday, 28 November 2011


Special Day

I had a great day on Sunday for my birthday gathering, the morning started off not too good with the usual high level of nausea but a few drugs later all came good and I was able to enjoy it all. I hope I didn't seem too dopey or no more than usual!!! The heat was a bit of a shame but as the breeze started to come late afternoon it was perfect. Although I think there were about 80+ there, for me it still seemed very intimate and everyone mixed together. Thats because everyone that came are all special lovely people!
I was very tired that night and the next day,but hey I always seem to be tired at the moment. The news on the medical front isn't too good and I will find out tomorrow what my tumor markers are up to. I just had an appointment with my GP who is lovely,but when I asked why I was so tired and feel so weak the answer is the cancer, why does it still shock me to hear that my body is getting weaker? I still believe there are times and days when I think I will beat it,but the doctors/oncologist however kind they are remind you of the reality of your situation.
My double vision in one eye is just another side effect of this disease or from the treatment I have had for it. This has been pretty hard to take as I now cannot drive myself anywhere and just looking around a room it's all over the place,eyes of course areso important and I hope I don't get to the stage where I cannot read or write, now I do that with one eye closed!
Thursday I go to the Wesley to start a drug that is going to help strengthen my bones,and will be discussing more chemo,although I have tried to do anything to avoid more of this it seems now that it is inevitable, I really need a good bit to come again,so maybe after the chemo this time I get some time where I don't feel like vomiting everyday,and too tired to do very much.
I will let you know how the conversation goes, thank you for all you contributions and lovely cards I will be taking the boys and David away somewhere lovely,when the good bit comes!!
Thank you also for sharing such a great day with me..........

Friday, 18 November 2011

Another Rollercoaster Week


This last week or so seems to have been particulary difficult, my emotions have been all over the place,what with Jack finishing school,of course I was so happy to be there at his pre formal and his school leaving ceremony,but I'm so sad to think ok how long have I got to watch him go through the next stage of his life. Next I have been seeing double vision out of my left eye and although the CT was clear I decided to have a brain MRI to really make sure the cancer was not in the brain. It was all good, so yesterday I had an eye test and they couldn't see why the muscle wasn't working, I could take it futhur,but do I bother? They confirmed the cancer was not in my eyeball so it seems like it's just something else that I just have to live with.I'm worried about driving I suppose I could do what the optometrist suggested and wear a patch! Great roof down in my mini looking like a bloody pirate!! last night I started some tablets to take with the ones from the States that are making me feel so sick all day,they may help get the balance right in my stomach and help with the nausea,I'm so hopeful, it's been 3 months now of continuously feeling crap!
I will have everything crossed that the day of my gathering of lovely friends next Sunday all will be good!
Sorry it's not a very cheerful blog,the thing with all of this is you just have to go with the flow of how your feeling, really this week I had two lots of good news, as in it's not in brain or eyes, yet I felt no relief from knowing that,or very little. I still have a terminal illness that is bringing me down each day,so I suppose it's ok to sometimes just be a little p....ed off with it all!!
However the mind is very powerful and I know I still have the old me in there and it will surface again!!!

Thursday, 10 November 2011

cotton tree

Difficult Times


It seems a while since I wrote on my blog,I really have been feeling so sick on these tablets and vomiting most days that I've had nothing to say! The other problem I have had is Tuesday I found out that my tumor markers have gone crazy in the last month,due to cancer now being in my bones,however my doctor after speaking to my oncologist is advising I go back on chemo and soon. I had planned that these tablets would work or at least start to get the markers under control, so I have been in a mild panic as of what to do?? I think that I will wait two more weeks which I'm really not sure is long enough to find out if they are working, then go for another blood test and see where I am at. The thing with chemo is it's all a guessing game as it may work and then again it may not! In the mean time I feel like s..t! I know if the chemo shrinks the cancer then it may bide me some time but at what cost. So you see it's so hard to make a decision when your so unsure of the result. I know that chemo is still living, so if these tablets are not working for me then I have no other options really. Germany is still there as they administer the chemo at lower doses with hyperthermia so you are not as ill,however that means I am away from the boys and there is a cost involved especially as I would need to go back more than once.
I'm up at Cotton Tree at the moment, lovely Lynn has given the family her unit for a break. The boys and David came up for two nights and I had last night on my own,and now David is on his way back up for the weekend. It's a lovely place and looks out over the river,it's just turned 11am on the 11/11/2011 and I said a little prayer!
Keep your fingers crossed that chemo doesn't have to happen for sometime,I would love to not have to do it before Christmas. Anyway I'm still able to make some choices,so I'm going to sign off now and enjoy the day..........

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

So proud my first lemon!

The beauties with the beast!!!


Couple of goldfish!

Jen before ride

This and that

I should have read the last blog as not sure where I was up too! Anyway after the bad news while I was waiting to see what my Oncologist came up with(still not heard from him,over a week now!) I decided to get onto these tablets from the States I have read about. They arrived within a few days and I started them yesterday. Apart from having a big weep in the morning, I think it's more the fear of the unknown plus it just gets me down I have to do all this s...t!
all went ok,I took 72 tablets all up which I might add is very difficult when struggling with nausea. Today however no tears but felt pretty rough, I managed to get some of the tablets down for an hour then everything came back up! Bugger. It's now the afternoon and I have kept the lunch ones down, it's almost a full time job this as some have to be taken an hour before eating and then an hour after,all washed down with a mushroom tea,which is ghastly!
The tablets increase so Sunday I take 135! I've never been keen on pill popping so I'm finding this a challenge,I just remind myself that if it works then my tumors should shrink!!
It seems like I have a good day then can fall in a heap the next. I went up to the Noosa Tri to watch some friends take part and was worried it would be one of my bad days but I was lucky,I felt great and so happy to be there with everyone, I stayed out till 8.30pm even,we did go out at 4. Before Sara and I went up I went to a friends Halloween party, it was a pretty amazing set up but just wish I could of seen it at night as it would have looked very creepy!
Until I know how life will be on these tablets I will hang around home a bit more,would like to walk up Cootha but it's closed at the moment. ok keep you posted on the progress enjoy the beautiful weather ......

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

2 years ago, amazing women!

The Nature of the beast

There was a positive to yesterday so I'll start with that! The cancer is not in my brain.
However I shouldn't have been surprised when he said there are a few spots in the spine,but I was! I know this is what secondary breast cancer does,but I still feel like it's all not real.
The doctor is unsure what to do next ill he will need to talk to my oncologist, I'm assuming they will want to do normal chemo this time round. I have a back up plan as I'm really not sure physically I can do another 6 months of chemo and mentally. Perhaps now is the time to look at the alternative side of treatment, it's such a difficult decision,chemo of course makes you very sick,ok it can poison the cancer but the havoc it leaves in your body destroys the good parts too.And of course is no cure,or try something that may not have the support of the pharmaceutical companies but is worth a go? I'll ponder this for a few days I think. The thing that makes me angry and sad is having to tell my beautiful boys news like this,being a mum the last thing you like to see is your children in pain let alone being the one that delivers it to them. They handle all this so well and like me we all think this won't happen to us and I will beat it, but I just wish they didnt have this sort of thing to worry about.
I may have jumped another two stepping stones in my pond, but I'm here still able to do an awful lot compared to some so I'll just get on with it,for me it's like making a conscious effort to remind yourself everyday all the good you have around you, it really does help me as I am surrounded by a loving family and just amazing friends. Chat soon ........

Monday, 24 October 2011

At the top, down but not out!!

Big Day

It's been a while but not a lot has happened other than still trying to get over this last lot of treatment. I was able to go for a walk up Cootha the other day which was great, I took it really slow.
Today I am off for a CT scan to my liver and brain,no jokes about they won't find much in the brain one ok!well I'm hoping there is nothing wrong there as the last few days my eyes have been playing up and not focussing sometimes.I'm hoping it has something to do with the medication I take or should say take sometimes, this whole pain management thing doesn't seem to work with me,probably because I don't take it regulary but I feel it doesn't seem to do a lot so why bother,plus I hate feeling drowsy! So we find out today when they will go back into the liver and do the SIRTS treatment again. It's really hit me hard this time as I was so looking forward to say a few months of just being me again,so the shock to find out more treatment is needed still upsets me.
Anyway if it's got to be done then now I just want it to hurry up and get on with it so I can look forward to feeling a bit better by Christmas, I'll let you know the results of today,have a good one ........

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Hello well you'd think i'd be getting used to the change that seems to happen quickly but since my return(wednesday this week)I have seen my oncologist about my last blood tests and they have risen again already so he has advised that I do another round of the treatment I have just had using the SIRT method this time round.(radiotherapy one I had the first time around) I do remember them saying before I had this latest treatment that they could do it again after 6 weeks but I think my mind just shut that bit out.

Although they say the last hit on the liver did a good job obviously there are still tumours in there that are active causing my markers to rise again. I'm sitting in bed right now and can't help but think this is the master plan of cancer........I so don't want to die and yet it has come into my life stopped me from riding my bike ,I can't walk up Cootha, I can't enjoy a drink with my friends,and is slowly taking away my normally happy spirit, so I think its plan is to take away all that you love so in the end you
end up saying  'Fuck it I may as well be dead'!

Well somehow I have to change that thought pattern as I will go mad.I need to look at what I CAN DO and not what I can't. And of course there are many things im still able to do.
The options I have with treatment is to go ahead with this and that will happen fairly soon. I'm worried as I'm not over the last
lot though, do another 6 months of chemo, or go overseas and try some of there options. Any thoughts????? It's funny as I used
to say to myself I'm not going down that path of chemo after chemo then I die anyway,and yet here I am!! How the f...k do I
know what is the correct decision to make!! I mean some days I can't decide what to wear and here I am having to decide what
treatment to have that may or may not allow me to live a little longer!

Right this minute I don't want to go away again, I just want to be around my family and friends ,plus I know it shouldn't matter but I worry about the money side of things going overseas,or  6 months of chemo which is a big NO from me,so it's looking like
I may have to go with the SIRTS and say to myself ok well you 'should' be feeling ok by Christmas.
I will keep you posted.........
ps sorry for the bad language!!

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Hot soup and a hot mulled wine for lunch here.

Wilson Bay, just beautiful

It's all about winning!!

B&B view

Remember this lovelies??


Arrived in Quenstown via the lovely Arrowtown for morning tea. Queenstown has a festival on with markets,food and wine stalls and bands playing,so we spent the afternoon in the sunshine sampling all of this!Today we are off to do the luge,not being competative but I'm planning on taking advantage of my past experience to beat my big sister!!!We have a movie planned in Arrowtown tomorrow and lunch at a winery our last day.Our B&B is directly infront of the Remarkables and they certainly are! Chat soon........

Thursday, 6 October 2011

View from our room at Wanaka

Couldn't let Sara drink alone could I!

Lake Tekapo

My Happy Place

Bella Bliss

New Zealand

Well NZ so far has been just amazing, Sara and I spent three days at Methven ,we managed to get up the mountain,rain on the way up turned into light snow then beautiful sunshine at the very top. We didn't ski but enjoyed going up on the ski lift to the peak. It was freezing but breathtaking. We stayed with some friends Cathie and Marek at their ski lodge Breckenridge lodge. Cathie has opened up a beautiful day spa,Bella Bliss www.bellabliss.co.nz which Sara and I strongly recommend you must do if visiting Methven ,I sat in the most beautiful bath,looking out to the mountains while watching the little lambs play.Cathie also pampered us with a facial,and I had a vichy shower.
We enjoyed a movie night with some of the locals,the 'snug' holds 15 and there was almost a sell out of 9!all women and we were all in tears at the end seeing a French movie Little white lies.
This morning we headed off to Wanaka via Geraldine and Lake Tekapo,I have been lucky enough to see these places before,although the beauty of it all still catches your breath, Sara is overwhelmed with the scenery. We have two nights here then onto Queenstown.
I was quite worried before we left as I had wanted to feel a lot stronger than I did,however I am really on the up again,nausea not there all the time,pain still in the liver,but the gauge for me is the amount of tears I shed a day! The odd one comes,but i no longer feel sorry for myself, i'm alive and so lucky to have all that i do,so that's all good! Love to everyone...........