Friday, 11 May 2012

Day Bed

Good and Bad

13/5/2012 Since the last blog I went back into the Wesley to have another stomach drain, it practicaly filled back up within two days. I also had the chemo last Monday which hit me pretty bad on the Wednesday, vomiting etc. it's been about five weeks or more off it and I'd forgotten quite how crap it makes you feel! My oncologist and a radiologist have decided I need to have what's called a Denver Shunt put in, it's an operation where they place a little plastic pump inside your body ontop of your ribs so I can pump this fluid out back into my body where I guess you just pass it out! I hate any kind of operation especially when I'll have another round of chemo on Monday. So I haven't been told what day it is happening ,but pray for me it's not Wednesday as its going to be hard to handle. Emotionally it's been difficult,I think we are all walking around with that permanent pain in our chests. I am still able to enjoy parts of the day. It's lovely having close friends pop by, some bringing soups etc ,or rubbing my feet,or just sitting on the couch with David and the boys watching television. This weekend Jimmy has been at this huge architecture conference and loving it, Jacks getting stuck into his film and television degree,and looked smart going off too the races today. David put some blinds up for me so I can sit longer on my day bed outside,so in general life is good,just every now and again David and I will think of something else I won't be here to share with him do do with the boys mainly,and we have a good cry. Not to keen on going out too much as I'm sure people look at me and think she's getting on a bit to be 9 months pregnant. That reminds me I became a Great Aunty this week, we welcome Daisie Joy to the world, don't think you can have a happier name than that! I may not get to see her being in the UK but she's in my heart already. You will all never really know how much you have been a great support to me and my family, this bloody cancer is so cruel to everyone involved,but you all have made it so very much easier. Take care enjoy your friends and family, Happy Mothers Day, how proud I am to be a mum. Keep you posted on the hospital plan Suzy :( :) x

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Short Update

3/5/2012 Hello Just thought I'd give you the latest. Over the weekend my stomach started to get bigger and bigger. I really wasn't sure what was going on ,but after a quick look on Dr Google something I always avoid doing it looked like I have Ascites ,fluid build up in the cavity that holds alot of your organs. Tuesday came and my GP confirmed it was that, so yesterday I had a needle put in and 2 1/2 liters came out,Wow! I do feel alot more comfortable but it's still swollen and my legs feel like jelly today. Having this happen has made me realise that I haven't really got the time to slowly decide about the chemo , so as I'm not ready to say I give up just yet I will have some more chemo starting Monday. I'm not 100%sure it's the right thing to do, but it may slow things down abit, even this fluid build up. Some of my lovely friends are in a mini Tri this weekend at the coast so the boys girlfriends and my sister are going down to stay two nights and make the most of the weekend. I felt very sorry for myself yesterday which really doesn't help me. Although nothing wrong with a big cry! However today I'm thinking ok well I'll have chemo next week and play it by ear, last week I needed two bags of blood so I can't see my body will be well enough for it each week. I've finished all my shopping just a few more cards to write,oh and finish my brothers scarf,although living in Singapore or Thailand there isn't a great demand for them! Love to you all, and thank you for your kind words and actions, it's so amazing to know people really care about you and your family .........

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Good facials it was harder getting it back on!

Lovely friends chillin in the park.

Andy from NZ x


30/4/2012 Last Friday turned out to be a very difficult day, and a long one. I needed two bags of blood when I arrived at the Wesley as my hemoglobin was so low. However before that we had a talk to my Palliative Care , Dr mainly about what happens when the body starts to shut down and die. I sit there listening hearing the words but still not believing its me this is going to happen to me. I knew at some stage Sara was in tears, and I couldn't hold back for long. He is such a lovely man and excellent at what he does. It was good to know that he thought I wasn't on my way out in the near future, but I told him my concern are that I feel I'm at another crossroad point and it's such a hard call to make , but just say I had 6 months and during that time I have chemo each week if my body can take it and live a few weeks more, or do I have no treatment and in the end let the cancer do its thing with hopefully a little bit more quality of life. You see know one can give you that answer as they really don't know. So my plan is I think there is no plan! I will not close the door on chemo but I didn't have it Friday and this Friday a beautiful friend is in a 'Tri' and it's more important for me to be there cheering her on than in hospital having more poison put in me. I could be making a big mistake, but it's so hard when your feeling not to bad at the moment to then have chemo that you know makes you reek pretty dreadful. This weekend a friend of ours can't to stay from NZ for two nights, it was lovely to see him and just relax in his company.Today I met another beautiful friend and we had coffee at a paddington and I did a bit of Christmas shopping! I know it sounds silly but I want to be very prepared and if I don't happen to make it till then, then my family and friends will have a little something under the tree from me. I get all excited buying the gifts then a stab in my chest knowing I won't see there faces opening it! Anyway it is what it is, I'm still waking up feeling I'm lucky to still feel ok most days ,still able to spend time with people I care about,and see my amazing boys everyday. Hope all is good with you all , enjoy the cooler weather, I wasn't sure I'd get to see my fire on and I think it won't belong now ,so you see I'm still very much alive and very thankful........

Sunday, 22 April 2012

Life not looking quite so rosey!

23/4/2012 Thanks for a lovely Sunday morning in the park, it was a beautiful day. Let me go back a few days. We went to the Wesley on Friday , where I had my bone strengthening drug, they had me down for chemo but I needed to talk to my oncologist first as although my tumor markers had risen I was still thinking I maybe I had a couple of weeks still off it. In all honesty I haven't been feeling all that great the last 5 weeks ,so my body is struggling. After going through my bloods with the oncologist it seems that the chemo may have shrunk the tumors but of course comes at a price. My bone marrow is struggling and dropping, and in general the cancer along with the treatment is getting to a point where enough is enough. I will begin chemo this Friday but feel there will be times when my body won't be well enough to take it. I'm feeling like its a bit of a race what will get me first the cancer or the treatment! The family are pretty devasted,and I'm still in disbelief that it's going to happen. I never thought I would be trying to comfort my boys about their mum dying ,well not at 45. I really have it all,a lovely husband who's shared over 27 years of my life. Two boys that I'm so proud of and love so much it hurts. A sister and a brother who are so loving towards me, and such amazing friends that without them around me this would have been such a dreadful journey. They laugh with me and cry with me, oh and don't allow me to milk it too much! So yes I can say I'm at peace with everyone, and no burning desires to do anything else, just continue being with the people I love. The bloody antidepressants have not kicked in yet, but I'm pretty sure no pill will take away the pain in my heart. Words of advice..... Be paranoid about your health, only we know if something doesn't feel right. Always get a second opinion. Sometimes things are best left unsaid but I think holding on to things isn't good for you. Write down some things you might like your children to know now,we all think there is plenty of time to do that.If you love someone let them know. Sometimes people dissapoint you, but there's got to be lots of other things about that person that is wonderful,focus on that. Sorry I could go on! But lastly live the best life you can, so much is down to choice ,choose a fun happy life and work towards it. I believe this world is an amazing place and sadly im not going to get the opportunity to see anymore of it, however the up side is ive been very fortunate to shove as much as i have done especially in the last few years. Thank you for all the love and support you have shown me and my family, do me a favour and look after them for me. Love and happiness to you all. I will try and do some more blogs see how treatment goes. Xxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Eggs Benedict

Birthday breakfast



Just got home from the Gold Coast where we stayed in a lovely unit for Sara's birthday. We decided to stop in at harbor town , where Sara managed to pick up a few things she wanted. Apart from the weather not be being so great,although for me now staying in and talking to good friends in comfy clothes is ideal for me! Lovely Lynnie still gets up regardless of the weather and does a two hour run!
Sara's only request was we went somewhere for breakfast so she could have eggs Benedict!

I'm feeling so much better after the reaction I had to the anti depressents, although I still seem to wake up with an anxious feeling in my chest. It's hard carrying around this sad old heart sometimes,and it seems every occasion leaves me wondering will I be here for the next birthday or celebration. I'm scared of what will happen next , and I try so hard not to think it but this disease will most likely go to brain or lungs next that seems to be the pattern. I see my Oncologist on Friday and we will see where my markers are at, it's been 5 weeks already off it and I'm dissapointed I have not felt my old self in this period. I think the liver has had such a beating over the last 3 years it's hard for it to keep functioning normally.

As my doctor reminds me I still have quality of life and able to get out and do things so I need to appreciate that more perhaps.

Hope all is well with everyone, will keep you posted on the next plan.......

Monday, 9 April 2012



Chrissa preparing.



Happy Easter to everyone, what an amazing weekend weather wise. Unfortunatly since our return I haven't felt very well, infact the last four days have been the worst I felt in a long time. But all has been revealed today as I've just come from the doctor who said it was quite common to have these side effects from the antidepressants I had just started. Ok I remember a blog where I was really not happy to have to even consider them, me depressed I don't think so! However although my markers have risen a little since being off the Chemo I'm really worried how I will manage emotionally when I'm told it's time to start again, so I figured I'd get back up.

I have hardly eaten in the last few days, so hopefully I turned the corner yesterday afternoon I will be able to. It's so hard when you have no appetite and I find I'm like the boys and just stand looking at what's in the fridge in the hope something will appeal!

The highlight was Jack turning 18 on the 5th (day before Good Friday) his girlfriend Chrissa came over and made a lovely meal for all of us, she even made him birthday cookies as he doesn't like cake. It was a good night,and I was surprised he didn't go out after but the pubs shut a 12, I think however he's made up for it since then!

David and I celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary yesterday, like I said in the morning I felt terrible but just came good as the day progressed , so at 4pm all geared up we were off to a park somewhere on the scooter. Sadly it made it to the top of the driveway then there was a slight fuel problem and we had to give it a miss.
We still went to the park where David produced a bottle of verve and some nibblies. Not able to drink very much it was still a lovely surprise and I think David is quite keen on the Verve too!

We see the Oncologist on Monday and I'm really hoping he will give me a little more time off chemo,so until then let's hope there's a break before the next hurdle!

Enjoy this beautiful sunshine chat soon .........

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

I think this would have to be the smallest lobster I have seen, bigger bugs in OZ!

Birthday dinner 51 today!

Olympic Rings 2010



It seems we've been away for ages. Vancouver is a lovely city and we enjoyed going to different areas of it. It was freezing and although I love that crisp cold feeling on my cheeks,I don't mean both of them!
Not used to walking very far as I was only accustomed to moving from the lounge to the kitchen, I was pretty tired, and we found it hard to adjust to their time zone. Unfortunatly we didn't go down to Seattle to shop as I was just to weak to wonder around shops, I can't believe I just wrote that! We have one day there before flying back to Brisbane and I believe there is a lovely park to go and visit in the city.

The trip up to Whistler was lovely the scenery was amazing and the snow kept getting thicker. We are really happy with our studio apartment, David's just preparing a roast as I sit infront of the fire! The first two days were brilliant sunshine and we had a trip up the mountain on one gondola hopped on another and went peak to peak, this is a 4.4km ride 1,860m high.
David skied the next day his birthday, he loved it and was happy he didn't fall over. he rang me at the top of the last mountain so I could go out on the balcony and video the last bit of the run. Dragging myself away from the fire I did as I was told only to discover at the last minute that I had never used the video camera on my iPad before.

I'm sure you guessed it but I recorded none of it!!!He was remarkably not that grumpy about it,and I've promised I will stand down at the bottom of the mountain in a blizzard if I have to when he ski's again!

Today it's been raining and the forecast isn't that great for the rest of the time we are here, I think we will have ago on the tube ride as its looks pretty harmless, and David is keen to drive a snowmobile with me on the back! Why not not a bad way to go if we hit a tree!

So as you can see we have had a great time, we went out to dinner last night for his birthday and although the food was good the portions were tiny, fine for me but not if you've been using all that energy up skiing down mountains all day!

On the emotional front I have been all over the place, alot comes down to just being tired I guess but being out of my home environment I'm more conscious of my patch and am grateful to hide behind the sunnies. I'm sad I don't have the energy to ski as these mountains really are spectacular with about 11 runs to choose from. It's not like I thought I can leave the cancer at home, but seeing new things for the first time it hits you hard that these opportunities will be coming less and less. How can anyone be happy about leaving this beautiful world. I wish the boys were here.

I am and will always be grateful for this time I have, I just would like another 30 years please,although not at this pace the bank balance couldn't take it!

Home on Tuesday .......