Sunday, 29 April 2012

Good facials it was harder getting it back on!

Lovely friends chillin in the park.

Andy from NZ x


30/4/2012 Last Friday turned out to be a very difficult day, and a long one. I needed two bags of blood when I arrived at the Wesley as my hemoglobin was so low. However before that we had a talk to my Palliative Care , Dr mainly about what happens when the body starts to shut down and die. I sit there listening hearing the words but still not believing its me this is going to happen to me. I knew at some stage Sara was in tears, and I couldn't hold back for long. He is such a lovely man and excellent at what he does. It was good to know that he thought I wasn't on my way out in the near future, but I told him my concern are that I feel I'm at another crossroad point and it's such a hard call to make , but just say I had 6 months and during that time I have chemo each week if my body can take it and live a few weeks more, or do I have no treatment and in the end let the cancer do its thing with hopefully a little bit more quality of life. You see know one can give you that answer as they really don't know. So my plan is I think there is no plan! I will not close the door on chemo but I didn't have it Friday and this Friday a beautiful friend is in a 'Tri' and it's more important for me to be there cheering her on than in hospital having more poison put in me. I could be making a big mistake, but it's so hard when your feeling not to bad at the moment to then have chemo that you know makes you reek pretty dreadful. This weekend a friend of ours can't to stay from NZ for two nights, it was lovely to see him and just relax in his company.Today I met another beautiful friend and we had coffee at a paddington and I did a bit of Christmas shopping! I know it sounds silly but I want to be very prepared and if I don't happen to make it till then, then my family and friends will have a little something under the tree from me. I get all excited buying the gifts then a stab in my chest knowing I won't see there faces opening it! Anyway it is what it is, I'm still waking up feeling I'm lucky to still feel ok most days ,still able to spend time with people I care about,and see my amazing boys everyday. Hope all is good with you all , enjoy the cooler weather, I wasn't sure I'd get to see my fire on and I think it won't belong now ,so you see I'm still very much alive and very thankful........

Sunday, 22 April 2012

Life not looking quite so rosey!

23/4/2012 Thanks for a lovely Sunday morning in the park, it was a beautiful day. Let me go back a few days. We went to the Wesley on Friday , where I had my bone strengthening drug, they had me down for chemo but I needed to talk to my oncologist first as although my tumor markers had risen I was still thinking I maybe I had a couple of weeks still off it. In all honesty I haven't been feeling all that great the last 5 weeks ,so my body is struggling. After going through my bloods with the oncologist it seems that the chemo may have shrunk the tumors but of course comes at a price. My bone marrow is struggling and dropping, and in general the cancer along with the treatment is getting to a point where enough is enough. I will begin chemo this Friday but feel there will be times when my body won't be well enough to take it. I'm feeling like its a bit of a race what will get me first the cancer or the treatment! The family are pretty devasted,and I'm still in disbelief that it's going to happen. I never thought I would be trying to comfort my boys about their mum dying ,well not at 45. I really have it all,a lovely husband who's shared over 27 years of my life. Two boys that I'm so proud of and love so much it hurts. A sister and a brother who are so loving towards me, and such amazing friends that without them around me this would have been such a dreadful journey. They laugh with me and cry with me, oh and don't allow me to milk it too much! So yes I can say I'm at peace with everyone, and no burning desires to do anything else, just continue being with the people I love. The bloody antidepressants have not kicked in yet, but I'm pretty sure no pill will take away the pain in my heart. Words of advice..... Be paranoid about your health, only we know if something doesn't feel right. Always get a second opinion. Sometimes things are best left unsaid but I think holding on to things isn't good for you. Write down some things you might like your children to know now,we all think there is plenty of time to do that.If you love someone let them know. Sometimes people dissapoint you, but there's got to be lots of other things about that person that is wonderful,focus on that. Sorry I could go on! But lastly live the best life you can, so much is down to choice ,choose a fun happy life and work towards it. I believe this world is an amazing place and sadly im not going to get the opportunity to see anymore of it, however the up side is ive been very fortunate to shove as much as i have done especially in the last few years. Thank you for all the love and support you have shown me and my family, do me a favour and look after them for me. Love and happiness to you all. I will try and do some more blogs see how treatment goes. Xxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Eggs Benedict

Birthday breakfast



Just got home from the Gold Coast where we stayed in a lovely unit for Sara's birthday. We decided to stop in at harbor town , where Sara managed to pick up a few things she wanted. Apart from the weather not be being so great,although for me now staying in and talking to good friends in comfy clothes is ideal for me! Lovely Lynnie still gets up regardless of the weather and does a two hour run!
Sara's only request was we went somewhere for breakfast so she could have eggs Benedict!

I'm feeling so much better after the reaction I had to the anti depressents, although I still seem to wake up with an anxious feeling in my chest. It's hard carrying around this sad old heart sometimes,and it seems every occasion leaves me wondering will I be here for the next birthday or celebration. I'm scared of what will happen next , and I try so hard not to think it but this disease will most likely go to brain or lungs next that seems to be the pattern. I see my Oncologist on Friday and we will see where my markers are at, it's been 5 weeks already off it and I'm dissapointed I have not felt my old self in this period. I think the liver has had such a beating over the last 3 years it's hard for it to keep functioning normally.

As my doctor reminds me I still have quality of life and able to get out and do things so I need to appreciate that more perhaps.

Hope all is well with everyone, will keep you posted on the next plan.......

Monday, 9 April 2012



Chrissa preparing.



Happy Easter to everyone, what an amazing weekend weather wise. Unfortunatly since our return I haven't felt very well, infact the last four days have been the worst I felt in a long time. But all has been revealed today as I've just come from the doctor who said it was quite common to have these side effects from the antidepressants I had just started. Ok I remember a blog where I was really not happy to have to even consider them, me depressed I don't think so! However although my markers have risen a little since being off the Chemo I'm really worried how I will manage emotionally when I'm told it's time to start again, so I figured I'd get back up.

I have hardly eaten in the last few days, so hopefully I turned the corner yesterday afternoon I will be able to. It's so hard when you have no appetite and I find I'm like the boys and just stand looking at what's in the fridge in the hope something will appeal!

The highlight was Jack turning 18 on the 5th (day before Good Friday) his girlfriend Chrissa came over and made a lovely meal for all of us, she even made him birthday cookies as he doesn't like cake. It was a good night,and I was surprised he didn't go out after but the pubs shut a 12, I think however he's made up for it since then!

David and I celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary yesterday, like I said in the morning I felt terrible but just came good as the day progressed , so at 4pm all geared up we were off to a park somewhere on the scooter. Sadly it made it to the top of the driveway then there was a slight fuel problem and we had to give it a miss.
We still went to the park where David produced a bottle of verve and some nibblies. Not able to drink very much it was still a lovely surprise and I think David is quite keen on the Verve too!

We see the Oncologist on Monday and I'm really hoping he will give me a little more time off chemo,so until then let's hope there's a break before the next hurdle!

Enjoy this beautiful sunshine chat soon .........