Tuesday, 25 October 2011

2 years ago, amazing women!

The Nature of the beast

There was a positive to yesterday so I'll start with that! The cancer is not in my brain.
However I shouldn't have been surprised when he said there are a few spots in the spine,but I was! I know this is what secondary breast cancer does,but I still feel like it's all not real.
The doctor is unsure what to do next ill he will need to talk to my oncologist, I'm assuming they will want to do normal chemo this time round. I have a back up plan as I'm really not sure physically I can do another 6 months of chemo and mentally. Perhaps now is the time to look at the alternative side of treatment, it's such a difficult decision,chemo of course makes you very sick,ok it can poison the cancer but the havoc it leaves in your body destroys the good parts too.And of course is no cure,or try something that may not have the support of the pharmaceutical companies but is worth a go? I'll ponder this for a few days I think. The thing that makes me angry and sad is having to tell my beautiful boys news like this,being a mum the last thing you like to see is your children in pain let alone being the one that delivers it to them. They handle all this so well and like me we all think this won't happen to us and I will beat it, but I just wish they didnt have this sort of thing to worry about.
I may have jumped another two stepping stones in my pond, but I'm here still able to do an awful lot compared to some so I'll just get on with it,for me it's like making a conscious effort to remind yourself everyday all the good you have around you, it really does help me as I am surrounded by a loving family and just amazing friends. Chat soon ........

Monday, 24 October 2011

At the top, down but not out!!

Big Day

It's been a while but not a lot has happened other than still trying to get over this last lot of treatment. I was able to go for a walk up Cootha the other day which was great, I took it really slow.
Today I am off for a CT scan to my liver and brain,no jokes about they won't find much in the brain one ok!well I'm hoping there is nothing wrong there as the last few days my eyes have been playing up and not focussing sometimes.I'm hoping it has something to do with the medication I take or should say take sometimes, this whole pain management thing doesn't seem to work with me,probably because I don't take it regulary but I feel it doesn't seem to do a lot so why bother,plus I hate feeling drowsy! So we find out today when they will go back into the liver and do the SIRTS treatment again. It's really hit me hard this time as I was so looking forward to say a few months of just being me again,so the shock to find out more treatment is needed still upsets me.
Anyway if it's got to be done then now I just want it to hurry up and get on with it so I can look forward to feeling a bit better by Christmas, I'll let you know the results of today,have a good one ........

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Hello well you'd think i'd be getting used to the change that seems to happen quickly but since my return(wednesday this week)I have seen my oncologist about my last blood tests and they have risen again already so he has advised that I do another round of the treatment I have just had using the SIRT method this time round.(radiotherapy one I had the first time around) I do remember them saying before I had this latest treatment that they could do it again after 6 weeks but I think my mind just shut that bit out.

Although they say the last hit on the liver did a good job obviously there are still tumours in there that are active causing my markers to rise again. I'm sitting in bed right now and can't help but think this is the master plan of cancer........I so don't want to die and yet it has come into my life stopped me from riding my bike ,I can't walk up Cootha, I can't enjoy a drink with my friends,and is slowly taking away my normally happy spirit, so I think its plan is to take away all that you love so in the end you
end up saying  'Fuck it I may as well be dead'!

Well somehow I have to change that thought pattern as I will go mad.I need to look at what I CAN DO and not what I can't. And of course there are many things im still able to do.
The options I have with treatment is to go ahead with this and that will happen fairly soon. I'm worried as I'm not over the last
lot though, do another 6 months of chemo, or go overseas and try some of there options. Any thoughts????? It's funny as I used
to say to myself I'm not going down that path of chemo after chemo then I die anyway,and yet here I am!! How the f...k do I
know what is the correct decision to make!! I mean some days I can't decide what to wear and here I am having to decide what
treatment to have that may or may not allow me to live a little longer!

Right this minute I don't want to go away again, I just want to be around my family and friends ,plus I know it shouldn't matter but I worry about the money side of things going overseas,or  6 months of chemo which is a big NO from me,so it's looking like
I may have to go with the SIRTS and say to myself ok well you 'should' be feeling ok by Christmas.
I will keep you posted.........
ps sorry for the bad language!!

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Hot soup and a hot mulled wine for lunch here.

Wilson Bay, just beautiful

It's all about winning!!

B&B view

Remember this lovelies??


Arrived in Quenstown via the lovely Arrowtown for morning tea. Queenstown has a festival on with markets,food and wine stalls and bands playing,so we spent the afternoon in the sunshine sampling all of this!Today we are off to do the luge,not being competative but I'm planning on taking advantage of my past experience to beat my big sister!!!We have a movie planned in Arrowtown tomorrow and lunch at a winery our last day.Our B&B is directly infront of the Remarkables and they certainly are! Chat soon........

Thursday, 6 October 2011

View from our room at Wanaka

Couldn't let Sara drink alone could I!

Lake Tekapo

My Happy Place

Bella Bliss

New Zealand

Well NZ so far has been just amazing, Sara and I spent three days at Methven ,we managed to get up the mountain,rain on the way up turned into light snow then beautiful sunshine at the very top. We didn't ski but enjoyed going up on the ski lift to the peak. It was freezing but breathtaking. We stayed with some friends Cathie and Marek at their ski lodge Breckenridge lodge. Cathie has opened up a beautiful day spa,Bella Bliss www.bellabliss.co.nz which Sara and I strongly recommend you must do if visiting Methven ,I sat in the most beautiful bath,looking out to the mountains while watching the little lambs play.Cathie also pampered us with a facial,and I had a vichy shower.
We enjoyed a movie night with some of the locals,the 'snug' holds 15 and there was almost a sell out of 9!all women and we were all in tears at the end seeing a French movie Little white lies.
This morning we headed off to Wanaka via Geraldine and Lake Tekapo,I have been lucky enough to see these places before,although the beauty of it all still catches your breath, Sara is overwhelmed with the scenery. We have two nights here then onto Queenstown.
I was quite worried before we left as I had wanted to feel a lot stronger than I did,however I am really on the up again,nausea not there all the time,pain still in the liver,but the gauge for me is the amount of tears I shed a day! The odd one comes,but i no longer feel sorry for myself, i'm alive and so lucky to have all that i do,so that's all good! Love to everyone...........