Good facials it was harder getting it back on!

Lovely friends chillin in the park.

Andy from NZ x

Decisions

30/4/2012 Last Friday turned out to be a very difficult day, and a long one. I needed two bags of blood when I arrived at the Wesley as my hemoglobin was so low. However before that we had a talk to my Palliative Care , Dr mainly about what happens when the body starts to shut down and die. I sit there listening hearing the words but still not believing its me this is going to happen to me. I knew at some stage Sara was in tears, and I couldn't hold back for long. He is such a lovely man and excellent at what he does. It was good to know that he thought I wasn't on my way out in the near future, but I told him my concern are that I feel I'm at another crossroad point and it's such a hard call to make , but just say I had 6 months and during that time I have chemo each week if my body can take it and live a few weeks more, or do I have no treatment and in the end let the cancer do its thing with hopefully a little bit more quality of life. You see know one can give you that answer as they really don't know. So my plan is I think there is no plan! I will not close the door on chemo but I didn't have it Friday and this Friday a beautiful friend is in a 'Tri' and it's more important for me to be there cheering her on than in hospital having more poison put in me. I could be making a big mistake, but it's so hard when your feeling not to bad at the moment to then have chemo that you know makes you reek pretty dreadful. This weekend a friend of ours can't to stay from NZ for two nights, it was lovely to see him and just relax in his company.Today I met another beautiful friend and we had coffee at a paddington and I did a bit of Christmas shopping! I know it sounds silly but I want to be very prepared and if I don't happen to make it till then, then my family and friends will have a little something under the tree from me. I get all excited buying the gifts then a stab in my chest knowing I won't see there faces opening it! Anyway it is what it is, I'm still waking up feeling I'm lucky to still feel ok most days ,still able to spend time with people I care about,and see my amazing boys everyday. Hope all is good with you all , enjoy the cooler weather, I wasn't sure I'd get to see my fire on and I think it won't belong now ,so you see I'm still very much alive and very thankful........

Life not looking quite so rosey!

23/4/2012 Thanks for a lovely Sunday morning in the park, it was a beautiful day. Let me go back a few days. We went to the Wesley on Friday , where I had my bone strengthening drug, they had me down for chemo but I needed to talk to my oncologist first as although my tumor markers had risen I was still thinking I maybe I had a couple of weeks still off it. In all honesty I haven't been feeling all that great the last 5 weeks ,so my body is struggling. After going through my bloods with the oncologist it seems that the chemo may have shrunk the tumors but of course comes at a price. My bone marrow is struggling and dropping, and in general the cancer along with the treatment is getting to a point where enough is enough. I will begin chemo this Friday but feel there will be times when my body won't be well enough to take it. I'm feeling like its a bit of a race what will get me first the cancer or the treatment! The family are pretty devasted,and I'm still in disbelief that it's going to happen. I never thought I would be trying to comfort my boys about their mum dying ,well not at 45. I really have it all,a lovely husband who's shared over 27 years of my life. Two boys that I'm so proud of and love so much it hurts. A sister and a brother who are so loving towards me, and such amazing friends that without them around me this would have been such a dreadful journey. They laugh with me and cry with me, oh and don't allow me to milk it too much! So yes I can say I'm at peace with everyone, and no burning desires to do anything else, just continue being with the people I love. The bloody antidepressants have not kicked in yet, but I'm pretty sure no pill will take away the pain in my heart. Words of advice..... Be paranoid about your health, only we know if something doesn't feel right. Always get a second opinion. Sometimes things are best left unsaid but I think holding on to things isn't good for you. Write down some things you might like your children to know now,we all think there is plenty of time to do that.If you love someone let them know. Sometimes people dissapoint you, but there's got to be lots of other things about that person that is wonderful,focus on that. Sorry I could go on! But lastly live the best life you can, so much is down to choice ,choose a fun happy life and work towards it. I believe this world is an amazing place and sadly im not going to get the opportunity to see anymore of it, however the up side is ive been very fortunate to shove as much as i have done especially in the last few years. Thank you for all the love and support you have shown me and my family, do me a favour and look after them for me. Love and happiness to you all. I will try and do some more blogs see how treatment goes. Xxxxxxxxxx

Eggs Benedict