Sunday, 26 February 2012

Patch off but who know's which way I'm looking!

Sad but useful :)

I'm back!

Hello I've been thinking that although I don't know all of you that reads this, I miss being in touch! I really don't seem to have had anytime on my own at home for ages ,but this afternoon I have scored 2 hrs. I've just had a facial that was a gift for my birthday back in December. It was so lovely and I managed to have a little nap part of the way through it. Thank you Denise your hands are truely magical.
As usual I can't remember what I've been up to in the last two months. My Mum came over for 2 weeks, we really didn't do very much as I can't drive and I have been so tired. I have been aware that the symptoms of the chemo would accumulate, and my biggest dread was nausea,but yes unfortunately every day it's there. If only I could just vomit and feel better but it's not like that, it's just a constant feeling of wanting to.
I had a three week break off the chemo a few weeks ago as my white blood cells are so screwed my body just wasn't making new ones quick enough, the chemo effects the bone marrow. I was hoping that I would feel better with the little break, but no luck I still felt the same. My tumor markers are sitting on 50 which is great ,and means that it is working at killing the cancer cells, if only they could just target those and leave the rest if me alone.

I asked my oncologist if I will ever have a break from treatment , as I was of the understanding it was this until I die, but no, I will be allowed a break at some stage. Silly thing is you want that to happen so badly but knowing that the beast inside just reloads ,makes you fearfull at the same time. It really is a juggle as to having quality of life but trying to keep it under control too.

My mental state has been interesting and slightly dissapointing! The voice that used to say 'hey your alive just enjoy each day' has gone very quiet, and I have to remind myself that this is still the case. But I'm fearful and so very sad sometimes it's just overwhelming. I've had a script for anti depressents for a while , but something is stopping me from wanting to take them. I was told by someone that it would help David and the boys if I used them, now I'm all for doing what I can to help them through this process,but unless I was a weeping mess everyday ,I don't think it hurts them to see me sad sometimes infact it's often an opportunity for them to speak about their own concerns. I would not want David to take a drug ontop of all the other stuff just to make my life a little easier! Anyway I'm sure when the time is right I'll give them a go.

The exciting news is I'm off to Sydney on Thursday this week for three nights with 7 of the most amazing beautiful women I know. 'The Lovelies' my sister included. We have been lent a beautiful apartment owned by a friend of some of the lovelies,right in Circular Quay infront of the Opera house. It's perfect being so central, and although I'm a little sad I have to do it,I'm bringing my wheel chair,as I am quite weak and can't walk very far at all,and of course I can't miss out! I'm sure it will come in handy with all the shopping bags!

I'll put some photo's up next week of the trip. The only pic I have for you today is my new car sticker who'd of thought eh?! Talk soon take care,and unlike me sometimes ,really stop and think of what you have and how good it is.........

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Perfect shell

Jack after being hit in the head by a tree!

Knitting at the beach!

Jimmy's birthday

Life in General


I'm sitting here thinking is it time to stop the blog. When I look back the reason I started was to record my time in Bali , not only for myself as my memory is so bad , but also a record for the boys to keep, as I believe you can turn them into a book. But how life can change. Of course when I left for Bali I had a 'terminal' illness but I can honestly say there were many times over there that I felt I had the potential to beat it, as I felt fantastic and so enjoyed the whole way of life etc.
Since my return it really has been all down hill on the health front, this of course is to be expected ,but I suppose adjusting to the having hope, now to no hope is a difficult period. As you have seen from the pics and read, I still am able to enjoy life, but if I am honest it's also so bloody hard at times I can feel my heart being ripped in half . Is this what people want to read about now? I have been so overwhelmed with kindness from my friends , how some people go through this alone I don't know. But although many of you have said I inspire them, and I'm seriously not sure how ...... But if it's down to me being able to 'handle' this situation then what I think I'm trying to say is I'm finding it very difficult sometimes to handle it at all. You'll only get honesty from me and I'm just not sure that's what I should still be writing about.
There are still many positives , the chemo has now got my markers to below 70 which is good news, I have been with women who have been told that all the different treatment options are just not responding to their cancer , so I know I'm lucky in that way. However the last few weeks I feel I am dealing with a very different body. Once I get up, shower and have breakfast I am then totally exhausted ,and feel terrible until I lay down for an hour or so. Having the mind of a 45 year old but the body of a sick 75 year old takes some adjusting!! So as you can see I don't want this blog to turn into one big Suzy moan!!! You all know that this just isn't me , but of course there are times and they do seem to be getting more frequent that I feel sorry for myself and everyone around me , its so very sad to know your not the wife you used to be , or the mother or friend ,it's a cruel disease. I joke about being hit by a bus as would have its strong points over this way of dying , but of course I'm grateful for all the time I have had so far as I've been able to do things for the boys for later on.

Jimmy turned 20 last Monday so this weekend just gone we were given the opportunity to borrow a friends lovely campervan that sleeps 4. I looked at a few camp sites and chose Kingscliff as I was able to get a site right infront of the ocean. The ocean really was on your doorstep. Apart from me not feeling too good , it was a great weekend. We went out to dinner Saturday night to a lovely Turkish restuarant ,then came back and played a board game with tea and chocolate till midnight! As the boys are busy most of the time I plan to grab any opportunity I can to spend time with them both, I love their company.
My Mum arrives this week for two weeks , she is going to sleep at Sara's but while Sara is at work spend the day with me.
Ok that's it from me , I haven't really made my mind up with the blog , but would like to thank you for taking the time to read it and supporting me along this Rollercoaster of a journey! X :)