I'm sitting here thinking is it time to stop the blog. When I look back the reason I started was to record my time in Bali , not only for myself as my memory is so bad , but also a record for the boys to keep, as I believe you can turn them into a book. But how life can change. Of course when I left for Bali I had a 'terminal' illness but I can honestly say there were many times over there that I felt I had the potential to beat it, as I felt fantastic and so enjoyed the whole way of life etc.
Since my return it really has been all down hill on the health front, this of course is to be expected ,but I suppose adjusting to the having hope, now to no hope is a difficult period. As you have seen from the pics and read, I still am able to enjoy life, but if I am honest it's also so bloody hard at times I can feel my heart being ripped in half . Is this what people want to read about now? I have been so overwhelmed with kindness from my friends , how some people go through this alone I don't know. But although many of you have said I inspire them, and I'm seriously not sure how ...... But if it's down to me being able to 'handle' this situation then what I think I'm trying to say is I'm finding it very difficult sometimes to handle it at all. You'll only get honesty from me and I'm just not sure that's what I should still be writing about.
There are still many positives , the chemo has now got my markers to below 70 which is good news, I have been with women who have been told that all the different treatment options are just not responding to their cancer , so I know I'm lucky in that way. However the last few weeks I feel I am dealing with a very different body. Once I get up, shower and have breakfast I am then totally exhausted ,and feel terrible until I lay down for an hour or so. Having the mind of a 45 year old but the body of a sick 75 year old takes some adjusting!! So as you can see I don't want this blog to turn into one big Suzy moan!!! You all know that this just isn't me , but of course there are times and they do seem to be getting more frequent that I feel sorry for myself and everyone around me , its so very sad to know your not the wife you used to be , or the mother or friend ,it's a cruel disease. I joke about being hit by a bus as would have its strong points over this way of dying , but of course I'm grateful for all the time I have had so far as I've been able to do things for the boys for later on.
Jimmy turned 20 last Monday so this weekend just gone we were given the opportunity to borrow a friends lovely campervan that sleeps 4. I looked at a few camp sites and chose Kingscliff as I was able to get a site right infront of the ocean. The ocean really was on your doorstep. Apart from me not feeling too good , it was a great weekend. We went out to dinner Saturday night to a lovely Turkish restuarant ,then came back and played a board game with tea and chocolate till midnight! As the boys are busy most of the time I plan to grab any opportunity I can to spend time with them both, I love their company.
My Mum arrives this week for two weeks , she is going to sleep at Sara's but while Sara is at work spend the day with me.
Ok that's it from me , I haven't really made my mind up with the blog , but would like to thank you for taking the time to read it and supporting me along this Rollercoaster of a journey! X :)