Hello I've been thinking that although I don't know all of you that reads this, I miss being in touch! I really don't seem to have had anytime on my own at home for ages ,but this afternoon I have scored 2 hrs. I've just had a facial that was a gift for my birthday back in December. It was so lovely and I managed to have a little nap part of the way through it. Thank you Denise your hands are truely magical.
As usual I can't remember what I've been up to in the last two months. My Mum came over for 2 weeks, we really didn't do very much as I can't drive and I have been so tired. I have been aware that the symptoms of the chemo would accumulate, and my biggest dread was nausea,but yes unfortunately every day it's there. If only I could just vomit and feel better but it's not like that, it's just a constant feeling of wanting to.
I had a three week break off the chemo a few weeks ago as my white blood cells are so screwed my body just wasn't making new ones quick enough, the chemo effects the bone marrow. I was hoping that I would feel better with the little break, but no luck I still felt the same. My tumor markers are sitting on 50 which is great ,and means that it is working at killing the cancer cells, if only they could just target those and leave the rest if me alone.
I asked my oncologist if I will ever have a break from treatment , as I was of the understanding it was this until I die, but no, I will be allowed a break at some stage. Silly thing is you want that to happen so badly but knowing that the beast inside just reloads ,makes you fearfull at the same time. It really is a juggle as to having quality of life but trying to keep it under control too.
My mental state has been interesting and slightly dissapointing! The voice that used to say 'hey your alive just enjoy each day' has gone very quiet, and I have to remind myself that this is still the case. But I'm fearful and so very sad sometimes it's just overwhelming. I've had a script for anti depressents for a while , but something is stopping me from wanting to take them. I was told by someone that it would help David and the boys if I used them, now I'm all for doing what I can to help them through this process,but unless I was a weeping mess everyday ,I don't think it hurts them to see me sad sometimes infact it's often an opportunity for them to speak about their own concerns. I would not want David to take a drug ontop of all the other stuff just to make my life a little easier! Anyway I'm sure when the time is right I'll give them a go.
The exciting news is I'm off to Sydney on Thursday this week for three nights with 7 of the most amazing beautiful women I know. 'The Lovelies' my sister included. We have been lent a beautiful apartment owned by a friend of some of the lovelies,right in Circular Quay infront of the Opera house. It's perfect being so central, and although I'm a little sad I have to do it,I'm bringing my wheel chair,as I am quite weak and can't walk very far at all,and of course I can't miss out! I'm sure it will come in handy with all the shopping bags!
I'll put some photo's up next week of the trip. The only pic I have for you today is my new car sticker who'd of thought eh?! Talk soon take care,and unlike me sometimes ,really stop and think of what you have and how good it is.........