Cruel

I'm getting this deja vu feeling all the time now,two years a go I would wake up in the night with a feeling of sometimes panic,saddness or just dread,and here it is again.I can't believe how life can change so quickly. In Bali I would wake up go and open the sliding door and hop back into bed and look at the beautiful trees and sky and breathe in that 'bali' smell which I love! Now I wake up, every door is shut, there's no air and it's bloody freezing and my heart is pounding with fear!! It's only been a week so I'm sure I'll get used to it!
Cancer is just so cruel,it causes pain to everyone,and shatters dreams in a second. There's also a strong feeling of guilt,now I've worked through a lot of what guilt means,but in the case of cancer I'm not sure the same rule applies!! It's more a sense of responsibility I suppose,I feel responsible for my families pain and my fiends too.Yes I'm fully aware its not my fault but it screws with everything.I think you must end up becoming an expert on grief too, as while your still alive,things seem to happen on a daily basis that you feel a loss for,there comes a period that your grieving that loss,lucky for me I don't like to dwell on these things for too long as I seriously don't enjoy being miserable so will move on pretty quick,but it's good to recognize how you feel rather than dismiss it.I try to follow the same route with all my feelings,anxiety,fear,panic the list goes on!!
We have spoken to the Oncologist and there are a few options if you want to call them that! Chemo the normal way,or TACE treatment which is chemo going directly into the liver up through the main vein in my groin,I did this once before but they used radiotherapy that time,which has already damaged my liver! Although the chemo does pass through the body via blood it can be less of an impact I think than intravenously . After reading about this I'm a little worried as it says that less than 50% of tumors shrink,and if the liver is too damaged liver failure can accour, I'm thinking that he wouldn't attempt it if he thought that was going to happen right?? It's so hard to get your head around that this is a 'palliative' treatment( I hate that word) I feel as though they have written me off and this is just something to try to give me that little bit longer,which of course is the reality,but I'm somewhere on the page in front thinking that just maybe I will be one of those people that survive a terminal illness! I can even see me on a podium talking to others on how it is possible and never give up believing that!Monday David and I will go and talk with the TACE doctor and we'll go from there. My thoughts so far are ok let's do this have a shitty 2 months then build myself back up and look into other treatments that doctors are doing in Germany or America,but maybe right now it's important for me to shrink this big bugger as I can feel my body going downhill already. I'll keep you posted...... If you pray then perhaps could you say one for my family right now,thank you x.....