Decisions

30/4/2012 Last Friday turned out to be a very difficult day, and a long one. I needed two bags of blood when I arrived at the Wesley as my hemoglobin was so low. However before that we had a talk to my Palliative Care , Dr mainly about what happens when the body starts to shut down and die. I sit there listening hearing the words but still not believing its me this is going to happen to me. I knew at some stage Sara was in tears, and I couldn't hold back for long. He is such a lovely man and excellent at what he does. It was good to know that he thought I wasn't on my way out in the near future, but I told him my concern are that I feel I'm at another crossroad point and it's such a hard call to make , but just say I had 6 months and during that time I have chemo each week if my body can take it and live a few weeks more, or do I have no treatment and in the end let the cancer do its thing with hopefully a little bit more quality of life. You see know one can give you that answer as they really don't know. So my plan is I think there is no plan! I will not close the door on chemo but I didn't have it Friday and this Friday a beautiful friend is in a 'Tri' and it's more important for me to be there cheering her on than in hospital having more poison put in me. I could be making a big mistake, but it's so hard when your feeling not to bad at the moment to then have chemo that you know makes you reek pretty dreadful. This weekend a friend of ours can't to stay from NZ for two nights, it was lovely to see him and just relax in his company.Today I met another beautiful friend and we had coffee at a paddington and I did a bit of Christmas shopping! I know it sounds silly but I want to be very prepared and if I don't happen to make it till then, then my family and friends will have a little something under the tree from me. I get all excited buying the gifts then a stab in my chest knowing I won't see there faces opening it! Anyway it is what it is, I'm still waking up feeling I'm lucky to still feel ok most days ,still able to spend time with people I care about,and see my amazing boys everyday. Hope all is good with you all , enjoy the cooler weather, I wasn't sure I'd get to see my fire on and I think it won't belong now ,so you see I'm still very much alive and very thankful........